Thursday, 18 February 2016

A small life

My Mom was lying in her hospital bed, looking so small and fragile. She was terminal and there was nothing any one could do about it. All we could do is talk in the moments where she could still catch her breath. I don't even remember if Mom saying 'It makes me sad to think that I've lived a small life' even happened as I now remember it, time sometimes distorts a memory. But somehow it has stuck with me.

For a while I thought I should honour my mother by rushing out and filling my life with 'big stuff' to make sure that when my time comes to leave this world, I can be at peace that I've lived a big, bold life... What makes me so heart sore is that Mom didn't live a small life really. She made her mistakes, but so do we all, we are all human and life is about making mistakes and then learning from them. I remember saying in her eulogy that if only she could see how many people had turned up to her memorial, because then she would realise that she certainly hadn't lived a small life. She had such a spark about her when she laughed, her eyes twinkled. That belly laugh was infectious and when she really found something funny, a snort would escape that would set us off in hyeterics even more. People met her and were instantly drawn to her, she was such a lady. To have such a quiet way of making an impression on people is a real gift. She was larger than life.

I don't want to get to the end of my life and think that I didn't matter. That I made no difference. Because to me, that is a real tragedy. But at the same time, I don't think bungee jumping off of Niagara Falls or scuba diving with Great White Sharks is going to make me feel like I have lived a 'bigger life'... Being scared witless doesn't feel like real living to me. Finding ways to live my life that fulfil me, make me smile and give me peace are the way to give my life meaning. Being a quiet, positive influence on those I love is my legacy, just like my Mom.

Here's to living a bigger life by taking smaller, slower steps. I am doing this for you my Mom. You were a giant and I only wish you had known it. Love you always x

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